Hints to Hunter

6 years as lovers

Lies and selfishness finished it all 6 weeks ago

New one in the "Empire of the Sun" since 10 weeks

Good luck

Happy 2011!

This Christmas Season

This is the first Christmas for years of not "having him".  It might have felt "lonely" for a second but thinking about it, it's not really.  It's not lonelier than any other days of the year, and it's not sadder than any other days of the year.  It's just the circumstances and the environment that made me feel like that at that time.

I'm not denying.  I tried to think how many Christmases we had spent together and what we had done while we were together during this festive season.  I tried to imagine how much happier I would have been if I was with him at this time.  I actually felt much better, happier, more comfortable, and at ease with the present situation.

I know I am free.  I know I don't have to ponder "when" the situation would be resolved, whether it would ever get resolved, nor if he was ever going to make good effort to action.  I know I am a free spirit, and I am regaining calmness at heart.

The calmness actually gives me good rest and an opportunity to regain myself.  I have started a new life and am doing things that I really enjoy doing, which I would not have the resources to do so if I continued to be with him.

Time flies.  It's approaching 6 weeks since the decision was made.  The period was not difficult to live.  It's the best Christmas gift I could have given to myself and I should cherish it as it has brought me a new chance to live.

Bubble Bursted

The bubble has bursted.  All is gone.  I read through my site.  So much emotions.  "Fatigue" in August described so well the reason for the bursting of the bubble.  One element has been missing from the list:  Non-committal.

How angry would you have become when you knew you'd been hanging in there, trying your best, pushing everything you've got for someone, and the other person denied everything he said making all your efforts worthless?  You were then in the wrong, were attacked on your ability, on your intelligence, and on your values, despite you had been paying an arm and a leg on everything.  I am not just talking on money terms, but on efforts and time, emotions, all the compromises, and everything in order to keep this hope and dream going, all for the better.

The other person had paid his price in suffering in keeping the dream going too, but it didn't mean there was no suffering for the person next to him on witnessing that.  How many times was there piercing pain in the heart on witnessing that?

"A Decision to be Happy".  "I've Learned to Accept".  Finally, these couldn't hold any longer because of a lack of commitment.  Enough is enough.

Bursting the bubble was painful at the beginning.  It felt more like a stupid act than feeling like "a decision to be happy".  But on realising the next day the denial and non-commitment that had been going on for weeks behind the scene while you were still busy thinking about what best that could be done to help the other half, all senses went numb.

It was the right decision to make, and the time to make it.  Strangely, it was like a big load off the shoulders... stress, frustration, worries, uncertainties, memories of the pain of the other half, lingering thoughts and choices of the future,... all gone - with the wind!

It's a shame!  What is left is this after-taste of love still lingering inside but that's how far it goes.  Time will wash it off.

I still have my best wishes for him on this day, but we must take separate roads now... Perhaps the Red Sun is now more attractive than the Bauhinia!

My readers, is this a Decision to be Happy-ER...?